Monday, August 29, 2005

Fair Fatigue 

Last Saturday I went to the state fair. It was early in the day, uncrowded and a cool 76 degrees. I had gone to bed early(ish) the night before and had a big cup of coffee in the morning to ensure I had enough energy to last me. It was fun! Good friends, greasy food and lovely weather but despite all my prep work I still wound up frustratingly fatigued and drained just a couple hours into it. You would think that simply putting one foot in front of the other couldn't possibly produce such mind numbing, muscle draining fatigue. There was so much I wanted to do! I didn't want to leave but I was so, so tired that by noon it took everything I had to hold back my tears of frustration because I knew I had no choice in the matter. I had to go home and rest which I did for about four hours and still felt tired. I felt like I was being a drain on my friends because I had to stop and rest on a bench, I didn't want to hold them back and I felt guilty. I know it's not my fault but sometimes I think I just shouldn't even bother with these things anymore. That day was the first time that I've ever seriously considered using some sort of assisted mobility device. I'm too proud, too vain to use a "scooter" and I would need someone to push me if I used a wheelchair. It could have saved me a lot of energy and pain if I had just sucked it up and used one of those things but I would rather just stay home. Someone did suggest using a Segway instead, now that doesn't sound too embarrassing...hmmmm.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Pain, pain and more pain 

I painted my porch on Sunday, floor to ceiling. The walls are a lovely light lavender and the floor is a deep rich chocolate brown color. I had some help with it although it wasn't a very big job. Now I'm in excruciating pain. Is it normal for every muscle in your body to ache this way from so little activity? My whole body feels like one huge bruise. This happens anytime I'm active and it usually takes about a week to return to normal. True, I don't exercise much. I just go for walks or take the occasional bike ride but I still don't think this kind of pain is normal. I'm positive it's not. I wonder if it's an MS thing.

Speaking of MS, there's still nothing new to report about Tysabri coming back. If it does I will want to go back on it. The good news is there are some oral drugs in the test phase that might become available in the near future. Since every MS modifier available right now is given by injection, it would be a most welcome alternative. I for one am really getting sick of needles.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Feelin Minnesota 

This gray rainy weather has me in a morbid funk. It doesn't help that I'm going to need surgery soon. I have severe endometriosis (another type of auto-immune disease) and it's invading my body like a cancer. It doesn't seem fair but there is no natural law that states; "You cannot have more than one incurable auto-immune disease at one time." So I have two. I've lived with them both for so long I can't even remember what it's like to be healthy and strong and energetic. I know pain and fatigue. I know them like sisters, you didn't choose them but you have to accept them anyway.

Writing about it helps me keep my thumb on the pulse of my feelings. It helps me stay centered. Someone once said to me that blogging is a self-indulgent activity. In many ways it is but at least there's room for feedback which you wouldn't get from a regular journal. It's important for me to be understood (I'm guessing most people feel that way) and I'm better at expressing myself in writing rather than verbally. So there.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I Rant 

Here are some people I really hate.

Guys who tell me I'm girlie like it's a bad thing. Jesus, look at me! Of course I'm girlie you Neanderthals, what was your first fucking clue, the earrings or the lipstick? You mensa candidate of the year! These same guys who say with an undisguised sneer in their voice "jeeze, your girlie". They persecute you for having the very qualities they pursued you for in the first place. Doesn't seem to occur to them that they shouldn't be pursuing someone like me if what they really want is a big hairy Bubba! These are the same men who hate cats because secretly they remind them of women; beautiful, mysterious, independent and stronger than they look. I can only guess at why there are men like that. Maybe they feel threatened because they aren't secure in their own manhood or maybe it's a "must conquer" mind-set.

I was feeling a lot of anger today, that felt great!

Monday, August 01, 2005

Strange news 

It's always strange when an ex-boyfriend gets married or has a baby. I don't know why this is. Maybe it's because my memories of that person are attached to a fixed point in time. In my mind they remain exactly the same as when I knew them, they don't age and they don't change. Like a childhood friend that dies, you can't imagine them as an adult. So you can imagine my surprise when I got an e-mail from Marty (the Mick) McCurry announcing that he had gotten married last month. He apologized for not keeping in better touch with me but said he's been very busy. Very busy indeed!

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