Xanthia's MS Life

Sad. One of my birds died unexpectedly last night. Bridget wasn't showing any signs of illness but I have no idea how old she was. Her mate Boris called for her all morning which was so heartbreaking to hear. Provided we don't have another storm I'll bury her tonight.

So, last night I was pondering my life and where it's headed. Annie told me that I should continually ask myself, "What am I doing? What do I want? Is what I'm doing getting me what I want?" Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Which brought me to this thought; a wise woman once said, 'Don't worry about being loved. Worry about loving.' Of course I'm paraphrasing here but I think it's very sage advice worth the introspection. Who doesn't worry about being loved in some form or another? But to worry about loving raises all kinds of issues. Not only must you put aside your ego to worry about loving but you have to choose who is deserving of it. I find that's the hardest thing to discern. What am I doing? What do I want?....

In an absurd moment of optimism I rsvp'd Xanthia plus 1 in reply to my friend's wedding invitation. I have several months to find a date, I thought to myself at the time, it can't be that hard to find a guy. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! What was I thinking???

Now, with the wedding only three weeks away and me completely gun-shy after a disastrous first attempt at getting back in the dating pool after a two year hiatus, I'm entirely perplexed.

Should I expend valuable energy "out in the field" looking for "The Guy" regardless of where my heart is at?

Should I bring one of my single girlfriends instead?

Or should I admit defeat and ask my friends if it's too late to change the rspv?

I'm tired of going solo. I'm tired of being the third wheel. I'm tired of the condescending looks of pity from couples. I'm tired of hearing "You're such a lovely girl, I don't understand how you're still single."

Am I going to a wedding or to hell???

Last night I painted - and painted - and painted. It gets my unresolved issues out of my head and onto the canvas, works out the stress, channels my anger, yada yada yada. So, I actually finished a 24x28 canvas and for once I think it's worth a damn but didn't get to bed until midnight. That's when the madness began. Jiminy f*cking Cricket had somehow found it's way into my house. These things are loud! I got out of bed following the noise to a corner in the kitchen. Using my trusty anti-cricket smasher (sandal) I tried to whack it but it scuttled under the stove where it refused to come out. I tried everything short of napalm but could not get at it. It chirped ALL NIGHT LONG...LOUDLY!!! The thing would not shut up. I didn't fall asleep until sometime after 3:30. This morning as I got ready for work I could still hear it.

Screw karma. When I get home tonight there will be carnage. Oh yes, that cricket will die.

I think I know what I want in life. I know how to pursue joy and pleasure in life and these things are immaterial therefore in theory cannot be taken away. Yet, right now I'm swimming between the Id and the Want and I don't want to be.