Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Desperation, Fear and Futility 

Does everyone feel like this? Is it not only exclusive to those with chronic illnesses? I get so tired. I feel it everyday. I live in constant fear that one day I will be so fatigued that I won't be able to work. On some days the only thing that keeps me going is raw fear and desperation. The knowledge that I have absolutely nobody to depend on for support. If I lost my job because of this fatigue I would loose everything; my house, my pets, my life. The government wouldn't help enough to maintain what I have now. I can't imagine what it's like to loose the use of an arm or a leg but I have this problem, it's a true disability only it's invisible. People are so simple. If they can't see it then it doesn't exist. They want to be impressed by a person's disability! "Gosh dern it, where's yer stump? You ain't no cripple!" I read about a woman with MS who can't walk long distances so she has a handicap parking sticker. She is constantly harassed wherever she goes because of her "invisible disability". I suppose it's second nature to judge, pigeon-hole and label but it angers me all the same. I wish I could give my friends and family the gift of severe fatigue for just one week so that they might be a little less judgmental when I decline an invitation to a social function on account of my fatigue. I hear someone complain about being tired (for just one day!) like it's such a burden. Jesus fucking christ! Try living with that feeling every day for years and years and years! You might be a little cranky too.

Oh, I know I'm feeling sorry for myself but I feel so trapped sometimes, like Sisyphus. It's been a rough couple of weeks.

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